Thursday, December 23, 2010

regrets & depression

Ron just called me & told me the company that he sent John’s resume to hired someone else.  They wanted their own guy.  Ron is really disappointed & was all kind of apologetic.  I told him I was starting to suspect John wasn’t going to get the job because it was taking too long.  Ron is a really great guy & I love him for trying for us.

I’m really having a tough time with this situation.  I knew when we talked about him taking that job in Annapolis that it was a mistake but I didn’t voice it.  I told him that I would support his decision & I did.  I should have spoken up & told him my true feelings on the situation.  We would have been better off—at least he would be collecting unemployment.  Could’a; should’a; would’a. 

I’m really struggling.  I know that this means that God has something better planned but HE needs to get off the pot already.  I am really starting to be depressed.  I’m struggling with not eating my depression.  I want to binge so bad.  I am determined to not have that happen but it’s literally a minute by minute conversation in my head lately. 

I talked to John about it yesterday.  Unfortunately all it did was upset him, too.  He thought I was doing okay with this.  I am not.  I really, really am not.  I’m angry.  I’m resentful.  I am regretful.  I hate where I am right now. 

1 comment:

Wennndy said...

It'll all come together, Deb, for whatever little that helps you now. You know that. Even when you had concerns about the job in Annapolis, a part of you thought it was the right thing, at least for the time being, right?

FWIW, when we were deciding to move to Germany, I somehow knew it was going to spell the end for me and Doug, and yet at the same time I knew it was the right thing to do. Those seem like two conflicting thoughts, but they weren't.

I am sorry. I just woke up from a nap on my office floor and I am groggy. But just hang in there. Don't get swept up and anxious about everything because that doesn't help the situation OR you. :(

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