Monday, March 1, 2010

privacy, 26 days to go

I’ve put the blog back in private mode.  I did it last week because I was getting the feeling that someone was reading my blog that I don’t want reading it.  Not that there really is anything here that he couldn’t read but it’s a weird feeling.  I completely log out of everything when I’m not home, now.  I’ve changed all my passwords & none of them are saved. 

 

Needless to say things have gotten stressful at home.  Joe has SERIOUS self-esteem issues that make him do really weird sh*t like take what he believes to be sexy pictures of himself & posts them on facebook. The pictures make me think of bad porn & I have had John make Joe take them down.  He has a girl-friend at home but he also sends these strangely-near-porn photos to his guy friends.  That just is icky to me.  His recent weirdness is that he has signed up to see if he could make the cut with Beautiful People.

 

Marie, help me out here…Am I overreacting or is that what normal 18/19 year-old boys do?  Or is this kid a freak?  Seriously—if I’m overreacting call me out.  I don’t know boys & Erin never did this kind of stuff. Or if she did never let me know about it. 

 

He’s extremely ill mannered.  That’s something I never saw in him before.  On the other hand we had never spent more than a  few days with him until he moved in with us.  He makes disgusting noises when he eats; gulping so loudly you can hear him across the room, slurping, & sucking his food down like a pig.  When he is corrected he glares at us.  It’s pissing me off!

 

The other night we had a MAJOR blow-up in which I threatened to have him pack his shit & move the f*ck out.  He was talking about his cell phone not working properly anymore & that his father was going to do him a big favor in getting a new phone over spring break.  Joe was going on & on about how much his father has sacrificed for him. 

 

Sidebar for background info…when Joe was 8/9 Matthew (his father), who was 35 at the time, walked out on my aunt so that he could raise the baby he was expecting with his 17-year-old whore.  He walked out on my aunt & their 4 boys all under the age of 15 at the time.  Dick.  He didn’t have very much to do with his children for most of the next 10 years. 

 

Matthew didn’t pay child support for years & is now paying back support & back taxes on a house that he & my aunt owned together but let go.  His father has sent him a whopping $150 since he’s been here (more than 2 months ago).  I know he had money when he came down & he blew it but you would think his father would support him a little bit.  His father also has not offered us a dime to support this kid.  Not that I expected it but he is not making a SACRIFICE for this kid.

 

Three years ago Joe was hit by a car & came into a very nice little settlement which was put into a trust fund to be distributed to him when he turned 18.  Two years ago Matthew decided it would be a good idea for Joe to go live with him.  My mother had my aunt change the age on the trust fund distribution to 25.  Matthew came unglued.  Joe doesn’t see the connection between Matthew deciding he wanted a relationship with Joe (he doesn’t have a relationship with the other boys) just a few months before the trust fund was supposed to be distributed. 

 

Back to main story…

 

So, Matt is going to make this HUGE sacrifice of providing Joe with a cell phone that works.  I asked Joe why he thought his father was sacrificing so much.  Joe went on to tell me how much Matthew has to put out in back taxes on the house & child support for his two dead-beat brothers (who, yes, are deadbeat high school drop outs but still are his brothers—which I remind him of every time he talks sh*t about them).  I asked Joe if he realized that his father was not making a sacrifice but doing what a DECENT father would do without a second thought for a child that was doing everything Joe is (putting himself through school & making straight As).  I told him that his father was in the financial situation he is because he made poor financial choices & then went on to detail for him how his father had deserted his mother & his four children to f*ck some little whore. 

 

Joe started to tell me that his father had done more for him that his mother had.  I CAME UNGLUED!  What the f*ck is wrong with that kid? I told him that his mother had done the best that she had given the circumstances, that no, she wasn’t perfect, & that no, I don’t like the way she lives (very dirty & on welfare) but that she is his mother & he is to show her respect in my house even if he doesn’t feel it but that if I EVER heard him bad mouth his mother again he was going to find himself OUT & that I didn’t care where he is in the semester.  If it meant he lost his money he lost his money. 

 

And oh by the way—his father is living with his grandmother.  His grandmother has allowed Matthew’s latest whore (who is 24) to move in with them.  She can’t stand Joe & has told my aunt that when the semester is over & Joe wants to come home for the summer—he is not welcome at his grandmother’s.  Yes, his father is aware.

 

Marie—I totally see why you get pissed that your boys idolize their father.  Matthew is a f*cking scum bag & Joe thinks the f*cker walks on water. 

 

Rant over.

 

I am struggling with my weekend eating.  I do fabulously during the week; keep it clean 100% of the time.  Weekends SUCK.  I made clean-ish meals but ruined it with bread.  I made chicken parm—breaded with whole wheat breadcrumbs & pan fried in a little (didn’t measure but I didn’t deep fry) olive oil.  I only ate a 3 oz (yes, I measured) piece.  That included the weight of the breadcrumbs.  I had a couple of pieces of Italian bread with butter.  It was not that much.  Seriously.  I’m back up 2 lbs.  WTF? Damn.  What happened to a reward meal not being an issue?  For me it is.  I cannot stray at all.

 

Today I did a barbell complex—8 sets of 8.  I did 2 sets of 105 lb squats!!!!  With deadlifts I got a little worried about my back so I went back down to 95 lbs—I couldn’t find the 2 ½ lb plates.  I followed the complex up with 30 minutes on the cross-trainer. 

 

Food:

 

1 shake

 

1 c Chobani Greek yogurt

1 c mixed berries

2 pkt Splenda ®

1 tbs sugar-free vanilla syrup

 

10 cocoa roasted almonds

 

The meals I’ve packed include:

 

1 c cottage cheese (2%)

1 c mixed fruit

 

2.5 oz chicken breast

Mixed greens/Romaine/spinach salad with olive oil & balsamic vinegar dressing (1 tsp olive oil)

 

2.5 oz chicken breast

1 c Green beans

 

Dinner will be

 

2.5 oz beef tips

4 oz red potato

1 c carrots

 

4 comments:

Laura said...

(((Deb)))

Not sure what to say about Joe since I only have nieces. I have to say, I'm pretty appalled at some of the photos of themselves they've posted on Facebook and elsewhere. (As in, "Gee, Becca, do you really want to put a snapshot of you with the words "I Luv Cock" written on your forehead out there where all the world and their social network can access it?") But it sounds like what Joe is doing is a whole other level of inappropriate. Of course given what you've said about his background it's not surprising he has issues. I also wonder if perhaps he's confused about his sexuality. It occurs to me that if his dad was an absentee in his life for most of his childhood he might have been vulnerable to some male with predatory tendencies who seemed to be taking a fatherly interest in him. Predators have an uncanny sense for which kids are vulnerable, you know?

Still, that's just speculation. However Joe got that way, he's clearly a disturbed young man who's not respecting the ground rules you've laid out, and that needs to stop.

Has John tried laying down the law with him? It might go over better coming from the man of the house given Joe's issues. I know with my nieces it works a lot better when it's Paul being The Authority Figure. They don't pay as much attention when it's me. Again, I think it's that absentee father thing.

Anyway, I really feel for you. You've done such a very good, generous thing in trying to help Joe, and it sounds like he's completely ungrateful.

On to pleasanter topics: Great job on the workout! You're killing it! Eats look spot-on also. You're doing great and you look wonderful.

Rose said...

(((Deb)))

I agree with what Laura said.

I don't even know what to add. Stick to your guns and stick to the rules you've laid down. Whether he appreciates them or not, Joe needs someone to put some limits on him and he will respect your for it even if he is unbelievably ungrateful at the moment.

Wennndy said...

I dunno .... I think that the whole cell-phone picture taking situation is out of control all over the place. Boys worse than girls, mostly. Ick.

IMO, you can't win if you try to set Joe straight about his parents. You need to just be a good role model and bite your tongue as much as you can while not disrespecting your aunt/his mother. Even if you are in the right, that still is his parent, his blood, and he will always feel a connection -- he probably wishes and wants for their to be a deeper one than there is, so he might be idealizing it right now. He is going to have to come to his own conclusions as he matures. Again, JMHO, but I've seen a lot of stupid sh*t involving worthless family members over the years.

marie said...

I read this yesterday between meetings and didn't have time to respond. I had a couple of thoughts.

First, I think societal standards around what's digitally acceptable for boys/girls follows the same age-old sexist truisms of everything else: boys tend to get away with more without consequence, therefore they are more likely to take risks. When I dated those two youngsters, I was a little horrified at the pics they used to send me - well, you've seen some of them, hehe. Everything is all about the almighty cock. Sheesh.

(BTW, Laura, the comment about your niece made me LOL.)

That being said, Jerry never does stuff like that, but he is a total stuffed shirt (it's Josh that worries me). But... I think in and of itself it's relatively common.

The no-father-but-he-is-such-a-hero sub-plot is infuriating.

I think you're doing all of the right things here. Are you letting him come back in the fall? Or is he done after this semester? I would think twice about letting him back if you find him so disruptive. Still, that would be a hard conversation.

((Hugs)) FWIW, John Berardi says that statistically eating 90% clean is identical to eating 100% clean, as in unless you are dieting to an extreme (ie., show dieting), you shouldn't be seeing that much of a diff. Maybe you have to document everything a little more closely? (Not that I can talk. I would never record some of my recent eating days, never mind actually tell someone! hah!) Just a suggestion since you're so frustrated about it.

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