Panic sets in

I got to work this morning to a desk that looked like a file cabinet threw up on it. Normally this does not bother me. Today I not only had a tremendous amout of my "normal" work but I had a complaint that I had to address. Addressing complaints are not simply saying this is what happened this is how it was fixed. We have to address why it happened, how it happened, how it was fixed, and how we will prevent it from occurring again. Hours can be spent on this kind of thing.

I'm going to be out of the office for no less than a month when I have my surgery. My job is not a job that can be learned in a day. It is not a job that can be learned in a week. I have been telling everyone that my back up needs to spend every available minute of the day with me. Instead he has time to play & fuck around but no time to learn to do my job.

I have been asking for help for MONTHS. I have more work than can be done by 1 person in an 8 hour day. Today I finally gave my boss an ultimatum. Pay me overtime so I can continue to work at the quality level they have been accustomed to or give me some help. Even if only 1/2 day. Someone that can work at a level that I don't have to check his/her work because that would defeat the purpose of having help. So she says to me, "work toward comp time." My response; "that defeats the purpose. If I'm out the work piles up." Oh, yeah. DUH!

I also told her that while I'm on sick leave every minute that I have to spend on the phone telling Joel how to do something for my job will be accounted for & I will not take sick leave for that time. I will not allow them to charge me sick leave if I am having to work over the phone. I'm done volunteering for them (I'm an hourly employee).

I went to my office & started looking at my desk & began crying--just kind of leaky eyes. One of the girls that works in my hallway came to my office & asked if I was okay. I came completely unglued. Crying hysterically. Sobbing. Gasping for air. Shaking. I couldn't stop. I couldn't breath.

I knew I needed something but I didn't know what to do or where to start. I managed to tell myself I would be okay if I could just see my doctor. I walked across the clinic to find he was out of the office. I looked for another provider I trust. She was in with a patient that actually had an appointment. I went to find my doctor's nurse. She was out of the office. I started crying again. I left a note for the nurse & went running back to my office.

Twenty minutes later, I'm still sobbing uncontrollably, Sandra (the nurse) called me. She talked to me about what I was feeling. She was FABULOUS. She asked if it was okay for her talk to one of the other doctors about my needs. I told her I didn't care if she made an overhead announcement because I was that freaked out.

A few minutes later, I'm still shaking & can't concentrate but I'm no longer crying uncontrollably, my doctor walked into my office. I told him what was happening. We talked about how out of control the situation is. Sandra walked in with a prescription bottle with my name on it. KLONOPIN!!!!

I took it & began to feel the control come back within minutes of taking it. It was wonderful! I could concentrate & began to make headway in the mess on my desk.

I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday. He's going to give me something to take on an as needed basis to help me through this shit. And fuck them all if I don't get my work done within the time limits I'm supposed to.