Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The agony of forgiveness

I have been reading a book about working through some of my life issues--This isn't the life I signed up for. One of the chapters is living with disappointing relationships and forgiveness. The author says, "'You hurt me so badly you nearly killed me, but becausee Chirst died for me, his love compels me to forgive you.' Nothing short of that type of forgiveness will ever change your life." She then goes on to say that this type of forgiveness often requires a process and it may unfold over the course of time.

John told me today that Jim (his accountability partner) is afraid that the longer I live outside of our home the harder it will be for us to reconcile. He told John to ask me what it will take for me to move back. I had to think long & hard on the answer to that question. Initial response in my head--it would take hell freezing over for me to move back. But since we all know that will never happen I had to come up with another, less sarcastic response.

This morning at breakfast I told John that I would move back when I was sure that he had made a real commitment to his counseling & making changes. I told him that saying that outloud sounded like I was trying to punish him & to some extent I probably am. However, I am living in an apartment. While I like my apartment it isn't my beautiful home. I've lost everything because of the condition of our marriage.

I need to call George & ask him to meet with me now that the holidays are over. I want to make sure I'm still on the right path. I need to talk to him about my uncertainty about fixing this marriage (something John is aware of & says he shares).

In all honesty, I like things the way they are. I see him when I want to. Have mediocre sex without the worry of disease. I am alone. It isn't so bad--right now. I hope that if John & I are able to work through our issues I will want to move back. I'm not so sure I will.

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