Saturday, November 24, 2007

Packing & moving on

I got up early yesterday, ran to a couple of stores & made some really good purchases. Had a great 20% off my entire purchase coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond where I got a Cuisinart knife set, Simple Human dish drainer, papertowel rack & plastic cutting boards (2-1 for meat & 1 for vegis). I then ran in to work (where the conversation below took place) for a few hours & did my "annual training." I was out of there by 10:10.

On my way home, I ran to Costco & snagged a decent (I hope) deal on a 26" LCD/HDTV. My dad says the model I got isn't the best but would suit my purposes. That's really all I care about. I told my parents it has a 2 year warranty to which my mother responded, "That's all you need. By then you'll be rich." I laughed & asked what she knows. Um, that would be nothing. LOL But it was fun to laugh on this day of...ugh

I was back at the house by 11:30 with a bag of potato chips & a 24 oz cup of Joe. I brought all the boxes & packing stuff in. I put them at the top of the staircase to make the work easier while getting it all in. Once I had everything in the house I brought my coffee & chips in, went almost all the way up the stairs & placed the coffee on top of a box while I attempted to create a path for me to get up the rest of the stairs. As I did this I thought, "I hope Tony didn't spill his coffee on the carpet." See where the little tidbit above comes in...

SPLASH! All 24 ounces went running down the stairs. Sigh

I started my packing in the dining room. I got all of my china & wine glasses packed in practically no time. By 4:00 I was finished with everything I wanted to get accomplished.

I am really struggling today. Being in the house makes me miss what I thought I had. And I know that's what it is. What I thought I had.

On Monday night I called John to discuss my spending the weekend here while he was away. I told him that I am struggling with doubt as to whether this is the right thing to be doing. A year lease. Is there hope? Should we just go ahead & file for divorce?

He told me that he wonders the same thing. That he sometimes thinks we should have done this a long time ago. He went on to say that he sees some of our problems as insurmountable. When I asked him what he saw as insurmountable he told me that he doesn't think the issues I have with his family can be overcome. He thinks I should accept his family for who they are--that they have never been anything but nice to me.

This is another example of his finding fault with me. I cannot believe he sees the way his sister responded to my leaving him as nothing more than her trying to protect his best interest. He doesn't understand why I don't want him discussing our issues with her.

Okay, yes, I discuss what is happening with my mother but she has never taken a personal attack at John. Yes, she has said she can't believe what has come out--that he would be so crazy about my inappropriate behavior when he was doing exactly the same thing.

Oh--I never told you how my therapy session went. I liked Ellen. I think I could work under her IF she was willing to work with just me. Unfortunately she is not. She wants me to meet with her & John. She feels that I need to work on my marriage. I told her that I'm not willing to do that until John takes steps of his own to deal with his issues & that he isn't doing that.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I am going to take the next few months & see where life leads me.


Wennndy said...

What kind of therapists are you going to? The first one focused on reconciliation, too. Are you going to marriage counselors, Christian counselors, thelistgoeson?

just curious.

Hope your days get better.

Laura said...

I'm sorry things didn't work out with Ellen.

I'm also sort of flabbergasted by what John said about his family. From what you've said it sounds as though they've been pretty awful to you from the get-go, and it's amazing to me that John doesn't recognize that. If he expects you to sit there and smile while his father hits you, yes, I'd say that's an insurmountable problem!

I feel very badly for John and hope he gets help for his problems, but you're right not to allow them to ruin your life as well as his.


Deb said...

The last counselor I went to was someone that I had been referred to by my insurance company. This one was someone that I was referred to by our pastor--who is not pushing for reconciliation but wants me to be sure I'm absolutely certain that filing for divorce is what I want to do. And right now I can't say that I am. I haven't had a chance to talk to him since going last week but am going to do that on Tuesday (he's off on Monday).

George (our pastor) can't believe the way John is responding to this stuff either. But this is what I've been dealing with for way too many years. I'm only just beginning to wake up & see that I don't deserve or need to be treated this way.

I really do struggle with whether I want to reconcile or if I'm just afraid of being alone. I would love to find someone that could talk to me about it in an unbiased way. Someone that could help me sort through all of my own issues--the way I run to other men to deal with the lack of companionship; feeling responsible for John's unhappiness; blah, blah, blah...

Anonymous said...

Wow. Wow. There is NO REASON you should not be able to find a counselor who can speak to you unbiased. As a matter of fact, when I starting seeing my therapist way back when, we originally went to her for marriage counseling and she told me she thought I was wasting my time and needed to deal with my own issues first.

God, I'm so incensed for you.

On the Jill thing, I think that picture unfortunately says it all. I'm sorry, Deb. This must be so painful for you. I do hope you find your way to letting go of him, otherwise he may think he can string you along forever. I think he is one of those people who is afraid to be alone...

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