My response to the comments to the post below made me come back to add this...
I think maybe I don't really want to reconcile with John but I am just afraid of being lone. The only way I'm going to know that for sure is to walk through the next few months alone.
I'm also afraid that being back in my home church (we can attend different services) & having this inane desire to be a people pleaser I'm afraid that I will be "encouraged" to reconcile no matter how I feel. I don't want that. If John & I are to reconcile it has to be because things have changed dramatically in our relationship, not because I have been "coerced."
I need to honestly evaluate my behavior & my desires.