Monday, October 29, 2007

Oh & then there is still John...

He has been good about leaving me alone for the most part. I have needed him to bail me out of a couple of situations lately. Things that I could not depend on Tony because no one really knows that we are dating...

Anyway, we've been talking very candidly about getting divorced. The separation is still in trial setting. I told him that I am not going to move back in for at least a year. But I also told him that I am afraid that at the end of that year I may not want to "come home." He said he totally understands that & also doesn't know how he will feel. But he knows he has to get therapy for his addiction & the molestation & that I will not be subjected to the distance we've had due to those issues.

I also told him that his family will never be welcome in our home if we get back together. Oh, wait I didn't tell you...

His sister went to the family attorney the day I moved out. She wanted to "protect" John from losing his father's inheritance. Um the fucking old bastard isn't even dead yet. I feel that this is a direct reflection of how she feels about me; that she sees me as a gold-digger. Fuck her & the horse she rode in on.

He doesn't understand my anger at the actions she took. Fuck him for that.

But there is a part of me that still loves him very deeply. So I had a room for Saturday night because I had to get up at 2:30 for my 6:00 flight. I decided that he should spend the night with me. It was good to spend that kind of time with him. And yes, we had sex. It was only okay. That makes me sad because I think if that was better, I might be more inclined to go home.

Oh well. It is what it is.

1 comment:

Marie said...

((Deb)) I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I think everything you're feeling is really normal: the confusion, the anger, the angst, the back-and-forth with John and RG, etc. I think the most important thing you can do for yourself is to just step back and take it one day at a time. Just let it be rather than feeling like you have to force everything all the time.

Ok, I'm not one for taking my own advice, but somehow I think that's a better approach than going insane, don't you?

xox

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