Yep, that's me. No excuses for my poor behavior. I have dealt with this totally inappropriately.
You might be asking yourself WTF I am talking about. Here's the complete story--or my side of it anyway.
You know I found graphic emails between John & another woman who lives in Pheonix, AZ. Anyone want her phone number to call her for me? I've got it. I don't recall if I mentioned that he confessed that he created this email account (yourolderguy49@...com) more than 3 years ago. He said he created it as an email account to use for his job search because at the time the company he was working for was on the verge of bankrupt. He wanted an account that would not be linked to the company he worked for. Then he said he created the account as a way to keep in touch with someone that was the potential for good employment. Then he said he created the account because it was a fun name. When asked why he never mentioned it to me he would not provide an answer other than he doesn't know. He said that he stopped talking to this woman after he went to work for the company he works for today and only just got in touch with her again just before we went to Hawaii. When asked why he felt it necessary to hide it from me his response was again that he doesn't know.
He said the graphic emails didn't begin until after I told him I was unhappy & started therapy (all 2 sessions of that then this came to light). He said he needed someone to talk to. When I asked why he didn't reach out to his friends at church he said he doesn't know but that he was uncomfortable with that.
I shared the email he sent me regarding the childhood sexual abuse and the porn addiction (did I share that part?). He is now using that as his excuse for the graphic emails with this other woman. He said he wanted to take the porn to the "next level." That she was nothing more than porn with another woman.
I have spoken to not 1, not 2, but 3 different people that are trained to counsel people in some form--a clinical social worker here in our mental health department, a woman trained to deal with the spouses of individuals addicted to porn, and our pastor (who we counseled with 3 years ago). None of these people knows each other and none of them know that I have talked to the other. All 3 of them have told me that the manipulation, deceipt, the role of being the victim in this himself, and use of porn are all a pattern of an abuser. I am beginning in a support group myself next week--missed the Monday night meeting.
He did not tell her to stop contact with him until I told him to do it. I told him he had to copy me on the email. Initially he said he deleted her email account from his computer. I sent it to him because I have it in the emails I sent to myself here at work. He emailed me later and told me that he had done it. He had not copied me. I told him to do it again. He sent her an email saying "don't contact me again. I caused too much hurt." WTF ever.
I told him that I want him to get help. For both the abuse and the so-called porn addiction. To date he has refused. He says he needs to deal with this on his own. A classic sign of an abuser and addict.
I have tried to make excuses for him. I have felt sorry for him. I considered staying with him because he "didn't mean to do it." I have asked myself and others what I could have done differently to prevent this. I have asked how I can fix it. I have been unhappy and thought it was my fault.
I have always thought I was too smart for this. I never thought that I am the abuse victim. I know what abuse looks like. I know what an abused spouse/significant other looks like. Suddenly I am seeing myself as someone that has been abused. Again, this does not excuse my response to it.
I have been advised by all 3 parties (including my pastor) to remove myself from the situation--meaning move out. I have been told that I must set boundaries; i.e. don't touch me, don't call me, don't tell me that you didn't mean it.
Tonight I move in with my parents. I'm planning on staying for a few months. I have several friends that have offered me keys to their homes so that when things get insane; & you know they will, I have a place to crash.
What about E you might be asking yourself. I sat her down last night & told her that I have been abused for years. I did not get into the extent but that her father may truly love me but he has not been in our relationship for years and I had always made excuses and blamed myself. I told her that I know today that it is not me and that I am open to working things out IF he gets help but only IF. I gave her the option of coming to my parents' with me but she chose to stay because our home is only 10 minutes to the train station for school & 5 minutes from the hotel she works at. My parents' house would add more than an hour to her commute. Plus gas. I promised to call her every day.
There you have it. I am the victim of abuse no longer.