Friday, September 28, 2007

Is there anybody in there?

I've been in my head way too much lately. There is this "good wife" side of me that wants to stop all this happy horseshit & make my marriage work. There is this "fuck you" side of me that says just file the damned papers & move on.

I met with an attorney yesterday to make sure I'm protecting myself through this time of separation. I'm okay. I have a draft to begin a legal separation. I really liked her. Unfortunately all she can do is advise & complete the legal separation. She is an Army attorney so she can't file the divorce for me. She did tell me that as of January 1, 2007 NJ now has an "irreconcilable differences" divorce option that will allow me to be divorced in 6 months. Six months from when? I could site that we went through counseling 3 years ago & nothing has changed. I could site the date of the email traffic I have. Or we could just use 6 months from the date that I file.

Like Wendy I am so torn about this. I want to be happy. I don't want to be with someone that will manipulate me, lie to me, make me feel like I'm the one at fault. I want someone that wants to take care of me. Really take care of me. Rub my feet, rub my back, rub my front--oh wait that's just sex. I want someone to tell me I'm sexy & not just because he wants to get laid.

I want someone to tell me what to do.


Anonymous said...


I am pretty sure it's six months from the time of actual paper filing - not sure if the separation papers count or if it has to be the actual divorce action. Perhaps Laura can advise. The reason for the delay is the paternalistic view that one must not divorce in haste, lest one regrets making adult decisions for oneself.

You'll be ok. Remember, you don't need to figure it all out today or tomorrow - take the time you need.

Wennndy said...

What Marie said.

Also, if you stay quiet and listen -- not to the voice in your head but to the feelings in your gut -- it will tell you what to do.

I somehow had the wrong URL for your blog. Doh! I have saved it now. :)

About the abuse thing: try like hell not to wear the badge of "victim." IMO, it won't do you any good in the long run. Just do what you gotta do to stay sane and healthy, and make decisions that allow you to keep your head up.


Laura said...


I think it's six months from the date of filing for divorce. Every state is different, however. There's a website,, that I highly recommend; it'll link you to the sections of the New Jersey Code dealing with legal separation and divorce.

I admit I'm sort of surprised to hear that no-fault divorce only recently became an option in NJ. I thought every state had it. Definitely that's the way to go; you don't want Erin having to hear a lot of crap about her father's cyber-dallying.

I mean, this is assuming you do decide to divorce John. Honestly, I think as long as you've got a legal separation in place and are protected financially and otherwise, there's no need to rush into a decision you're not ready to make. The only other useful bit of advice I can give is, don't go back to John unless he makes some real headway in dealing with his issues. That means getting counseling. Lots of it. I'm sure he honestly believes he can recover from his porn addiction on his own but the fact is, he's almost certainly wrong.

I do feel for him, but you have a responsibility to yourself not to give him the opportunity to abuse you again.

As I think I've mentioned, my maternal grandfather sexually abused me when I was a child, and while I don't blame him for it exactly--like John he was a victim of child sexual abuse--I didn't have a relationship with him for years, not until I was confident that there was no longer any possibility of physical or emotional abuse. I never stopped loving him, exactly, but I did what I had to do to protect myself.

You need to do that too, and also get whatever counseling YOU need to help you get through this difficult time. I agree with Wendy that it's not a good idea to define oneself as a victim because it tends to make one feel powerless, and a lot of that sense of powerlessness is false. You can't help the way John is, and you can't make him get therapy if he chooses not to do so. But you don't have to be his victim any longer.

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