Wednesday, June 3, 2009

June 3

I'm off today. I'm going to do 45 minutes of cardio; later I'll do another weight workout. I haven't decided what I'm doing cardio wise yet because I'm waiting to see what the weather does. Then I'm going to get my hair touched up. I don't know if I'm staying light or going to try to get back to my natural color. Decisions.

Wendy sent me an email yesterday telling me that she is considering changing my workouts. Initially I thought, "oh goodie. I'm tired of doing 4 minutes (2 each side) of step ups once a week." But in all seriousness I actually enjoy the workouts I've been doing. I'm not bored with them I just hate (love) those step ups -- they HURT so good. It feels like forever when doing them. I watch the second hand for the entire 2 minutes of the first leg & count each step. Then I do exactly that number on my other leg & don't watch the clock but it feels like forever anyway.

Anyway, I responded, "okay, I'm scared. LOL" I always have a little trepidation when she tells me she's changing my workouts--I'm a creature of comfort. I'm comfortable doing what I'm doing & it feels like it's really working. But she knows what she's doing!

About 10 minutes after I sent my first email I sent her another...FREAKED out.

I have problems with starch--I eat them & retain (don't lose) weight (water?). We've talked about it briefly. Right now I'm eating half the starch she's told me to. She knows that. The weight is coming off.

I'm finally losing weight. I don't want this to stop yet.

I told Marie I'm a terrible client--this is why. I want to do what she wants me to do but I don't. Instead I whine.

I didn't send the email to myself at home so I can't quote it. In short (or not) I told her I am afraid that changing what I am doing right now will be the wrong thing to do at this point (4 weeks from my end date). I'm finally getting results but I had a piece of pizza. ONE FUCKING PIECE OF PIZZA & some mussels marinara (no bread just the pizza) on Sunday. On Monday I had maybe 1/2 cup of risotto with my Mahi Mahi. I stayed true to program otherwise. I got on the scale yesterday (I know--stop that). I was up FIVE FUCKING POUNDS! Yes, really. I got off & got back on. 153. W.h.a.t.t.h.e.f.u.c.k.?

I told Wendy about this. Then. I binged. F.u.c.k.m.e. I get so crazed. I don't know why. Even as I was standing stuffing fresh baked homemade chocolate chip cookies into my mouth I was telling myself to stop it. This wasn't going to help. I did it anyway.

I'm so close to my goal & I know I'm in better shape than I have ever been. When I did LA Weight Loss I hit this same wall & just quit--same weight in fact. I am determined not to do this.

Whatever Wendy sends to me I am going to do with my whole heart. Today after getting my hair done I'm going to sit & do meal planning. I'm going to plan EXACTLY what she sent to me in my program. I'm going to stick to it N.O. M.A.T.T.E.R. W.H.A.T. It's not going to kill me. I know that. Even when it feels like it will; I know it won't.

I think I have PMS--I checked my calendar. Aunt Flo is due in 9 days. I know I get freaked about my progress around that time. I know I binge around that time. Maybe this is something Wendy & I need to talk about how to combat next time we talk.

There. Back on track today. Let's rock & roll.


Anonymous said...

You are doing great!! Seriously, you look wonderful and I was very impressed that you stuck with your meal plan at dinner (posse confessions: I ate TWO pieces of bread and mashed potatoes!). I think it is very normal to binge a little when you're being very strict with yourself, plus the whole scale thing does tend to send one over the deep end.

I know I have suggested this before, but how about sticking the scale in the garage from now until your four-week date? Will that help with the feeling that you're not making progress because of the stupid number (even though you KNOW you are from the mirror and the way your clothes fit??).

Hang in there! xox

Wennndy said...

I have been crazy busy and haven't had time to put together the new workouts yet. So just hang with them till I have time. I am glad you're not bored. I want them to be the right workouts. :)

Stay away from the scale. And the cookies, girl! You can have them in a few weeks. :)

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