Friday night John & I took Erin out to dinner. He came back here to watch a movie after. I spent a decent part of yesterday with him & ended up spending the night. So much for no sex. Today he is going with me to my parents where we will have dinner & watch the Giants & Cowboys game.
I am beginning to think I may as well pack it in here. I am spending a good deal of time with John now & am starting to wonder when it will be time to do that. I mean, we're spending so much time together I wonder if I should just pay off the damn lease & move back. Yes, it would be throwing thousands down the toilet but isn't it throwing thousands down the toilet if I stay here just to finish out the lease? I have thought that the financial cost of this move might have been worth it. We SHOULD have a stronger relationship for it.
The counseling we are both getting is free. If we were paying for it, we would probably be paying close to what the cost of my lease would be--TRICARE sucks! For what John's issues are, it wouldn't cover the counseling. And it doesn't pay for marriage counseling.
So here are the thoughts I'm having...
He is truly making an effort in the counseling both with & without me. My fear is that if I move back to the house he will quit. I have told him that. That is the biggest thing keeping me out. I want to know that he is committed to making the changes that he needs to make.
I sort of enjoy my independence but think that he now sees that I NEED my independence & will be able to give it to me. I am doing more things on my own & am more content than I have been in my entire life. But I enjoy his companionship on the weekends, too.
I used to dread doing the Saturday running around by myself. If John wouldn't go with me I didn't want to go--which sort of contradicts my need for independence doesn't it? Now I look forward to it. I don't know if I look forward to it because it means I'm not stuck in the apartment or if I look forward to it because it's an adventure for me. Once a month I finish it off with a trip to the nail salon for a skinny caramel machiato & a pedicure (Starbucks is next door). I bring my book & relax for an hour. It's great. There is no reason that I will not be able to do that if I move back home.
I have concentrated on talking here about John's shortcomings in our relationship but I have my own. I say I want my independence but I haven't taken it either. How co-dependent is that? I have friends that I can go see if I want to. I chose not to. I chose to stay home locked in the house and then blame him for it. Okay, he does get a little edgy if I tell him I want to go away for a few days with my girl friends but in his passive-aggressive attitude tells me to go ahead & go. In my passive-aggressiveness I chose not to but let him know I'm not going because I don't want to leave him alone or whatever.
Yes, the counselors we see want to see us living together but I am firm in my conviction that living apart is the best thing for us right now. We are dealing with too many issues separately to be living together. His. Mine. Ours. This separation gives us time to work through our own issues and prepare for the potential (probably eventual) of living together again.
Being here in my own place has shown me things about myself that I've refused to see. Now that I'm seeing them I think I can learn to live with John again. I'm going to take a few more weeks to make sure this is what I really want.