stuff

Wendy posted this (among a bunch of other shit) on her blog...

"The ironic thing is, we were starting to have a good dialog again, D and I, except as always he was starting in on the whole "Maybe it is time for us to start thinking about you coming back here" topic. This is because whenever he talks to me, he tells me how he is, how work is sooooo stressful, how he's up against it on all sides, how it sucks to be alone in a foreign country, how this, how that, and then he says, "and how are you? what is up with you?" in a voice deep with meaning. I never tell him, really, because that's always an opening for the pressure. I'm vague. He knows I am vague and it bothers him. So in a fit of weakness last week, I wasn't that vague, I said I felt homesick for MY home, MY stuff, MY routines. Because that's how I feel. For another example, the other night during the Biggest Loser finale when they showed the finalists going home after being away for four months, I cried. Because I want to go home and nest in the house I worked so hard to make lovely....I am grieving for the loss of all that....Anyway. I should have kept my big fat mouth shut."

As you already know from last night's post, John & I met with his accountablity partner last night. This is seen by John (despite my telling him differently) as the first step in working on our relationship. It was not. It was "let's see where this goes." No more. No less.

I'm not sure I want to go back. But I miss my house. My beautiful, brand new kitchen, my woodburning stove that keeps my entire house toasty warm. My exercise room (even if I can't use it right now). I've told him these things & he reminds me that I can still "come home, it's not too late." But yet I think it is.

Then Wendy said...

"I am scared. I am thinking ... hoping? ... this is the shittiest, hardest year of my life. Cuz a very basic part of me thinks that the "right" thing to do is to go back to him. That is the good-girl, what's-right-is-right, deep-sighing part of myself. I mean, he's not a bad guy. The thing is, he's very needy. I feel like he wants to possess a very deep and important part of me"

I am very scared. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of ending up a bitter, dried up, old bitch. And going back to him is the "right thing to do" as a Christian woman. Though I don't behave like it, my faith is a very big part of my life. When no one is looking. Which is wrong, too.

I'm also very scared of going back. John isn't a bad guy in most areas of his life. Yeah, finding out about this shit is a very bad part of him. But I have very bad parts of me, too.

John is very needy. He does want to possess a very deep, important part of me though he would never say that.

The thing is I'm not sure John really gets what has happened to our life together. I'm not sure he isn't just saying what everyone wants to hear. "I see now that my obsession with porn & this email relationship hurt her."

I don't think he really gets how bad it hurt me. How, when we were going through counseling or just finishing up, creating an email account called "yourolderguy49" because she liked older men was hurtful to me. I'm not sure he really gets that keeping secrets from me when we were supposed to be working on being honest with each other only shows me that he really didn't care what was happening in our marriage.

I get that I hurt him. I really do despite what some people think. I get that my behavior was totally inappropriate. I'm not trying to justify anything. My fuck up is my fuck up.Even my recent stuff...If he knew I know he would be hurt. I don't discount that. Not at all. I was dealing with my "emptiness" in completely, totally inappropriate ways. I was searching for "what the fuck is wrong with me that he doesn't love me." It wasn't what is wrong with me.

I am not blaming him for my inappropriate behavior. I should have been screaming at him that we need to figure it out together. I didn't do that. But he let me continue to believe that I had some major flaw in me that couldn't be satisfied. I will not go back to that. I've also resolved that I am not going to be looking for a man to fill that void. As big as it feels right now.